you shouldnt be here, if you need to know who i am d____
j_____
s_______
w_____


June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006

love and be loved

now all i want is for you to know that i have faith that one day you will find meaning in life and experience true love.

because its only right for me to pass on the love people have showered on me with to the people around me.

i just want you to be happy, not emotionless. i rather you be sad than be emotionless; the feeling of sadness i can take away easily. but to bring feelings to and emotionless someone, its gonna be tough

be strong, be brave, and i'll bring you out of that oppression. (:

COLOUR my world @ 8:35 PM

now matt is my new sunday school teacher. i hope i can use this chance to draw closer to God. and all other people in church.

i cant believe how quickly i stray from my christian life. seriously, the connect camp just ended like a month ago, and that time i was still happily sharing about how wonderful it is, and now, just one month later, everything is back to square one, or even worse.

i think im even bringing ***** away from God, making him less unGodly. somehow i always end up doing the wrong things and leading people astray. because thats probably the only thing im good in.

COLOUR my world @ 10:04 PM

sometimes when you use a word or term of endearment too many times, it just loses its meaning.

thats why i only call you bestie when the times are appropriate. if i use it excessively, we might just not take it seriously.

or you might think im just using that word to get you to do something for me. because you'll just think that you have to do it for me, simply because you are my best friend.

i dont want that to happen. i want you to know that i truly treasure you as my friend. even if im not your bestie.

no matter what happens, you'll still be my bestest bestie ever. ive found you and im never letting you go (: -huggg-

COLOUR my world @ 2:05 PM

2 years back, there was team selections. 7 of us were trying out for 5 places in the team. 5 of them were a year older than me, and the other wasnt quite as good because of a past injury.

and there was me. struggling to make it into the team. out of the 5 seniors, 4 were definitely in, while the other was around my standard. coach was already telling me, he would give priority to her, because its her last year. i was disappointed, but i had no choice. he's my coach, he has to make difficult choices too, and i dont want to make things difficult for him.

they won first, she got her trophy and the title, while i got nothing. no doubt, i was jealous. but this didnt affect our friendship and relationship whatsoever. i respected coach's decision to put her into the team.

then this year, they increased the competitors per team from 5 to 6. once again i was frustrated as i thought about last year. it didnt make sense that everything is just against me. ive got no leadership positions nor awards or whatever. why was i such a loser?

this year there were around 10 people fighting for 6 places. out of these 10, 7 had great potential. the standards were rather close. again, coach had to make a very hard decision. it was then decided that i would kick out my close friend and junior. she was sad of course, and so was i. neither of us wanted to kick each other out, but we both wanted to compete. it was hard, for both of us, and the rest of the team too.

sometimes, even if someone appears not to bother, she still does. she was rather affected by that, and it saddened me. but i could not let this put me down. i have a responsibilty of doing my best in the competition and not let my team mates down. i cried with her. we hugged and cried together. because i felt so bad. and i know she did too.

we didnt get first, and of course i was sad. thinking about how i could have done last year made the situation even worse. but there's really nothing i can do about it

this is what a true sportsman has to go through. rejection. even when the world turns against you, it cant make you quit. you set your heart down to it, you go out there, do your thing and shine. you think for the team, not just your friends or yourself. you have to learn how to accept rejection, and reject others. of course, its impossible not to be affected at all, but you simply have to learn to accept things for what it is. its for the team's sake.

which is the reason why i will despise them when she really does that. i dont want to despise the 2 of you.

please, im begging you, dont make me

COLOUR my world @ 9:25 PM

ok. i dont know what got over me to post this, but i shall.

the thing is, i cant accept the fact that she's like part of our clique. its like before she fell out with her old clique, she never even gave a damn about us. all she ever did was hate a few of us. yes i know she hated a few specific people. thats why i never got a good impression of her.

she never bothered to be nice to us, and just totally left us out of her life. she never bothered to make us feel included, and just stuck to that clique of hers. from what i heard from one of them, she bitches about us too.

but when she needed us, she was a completely different person. she was oh-so-nice to us, standing up for everyone in the clique (whether its an act or not i have no idea, and im in no position to comment), and simply turned her back against her whole clique, just bad-mouthing them in front of us. we dont need to know what they did to you thank you very much. its not that i refuse to let her be one of us, but its just that, if she had despised us so much in the past, why even bother to become one of us?

the answer: she has no one else. she simply used another girl (or two) as a stepping stone, and not before long she referred to us as the 9 of us. i just keep quiet about it, but inside, im not very impressed. im sorry, but its just that, if you can ever do that to your so-called friends, i wonder what you can do to us. i dont know whether she's just hiding behind a mask, or just being the person she really is (which means she wore a mask in front of her old group of friends)

whatever it is, i dont want to hang out with a hypocrite. i dont care what will be done to me, she can use me and hurt me for all i care, but dont touch my friends.

or maybe its simply jealousy? i dont think so though, i know a few of them had and might still have the same feelings as i do. and i dont feel good about this

COLOUR my world @ 8:52 PM

i just want everyone around me to be happy
even if my happiness is at stake

although i grumble and complain alot and make it seem as though im really miserable, those are just peripheral things. what i truly want, is simply to live with happy people.

cant any of you see that?

sheesh


ohwell ive decided to try and stop bitching.
to stop talking behind people's backs, like in mean girls
thats what i was taught in one of the spikenardz sessions.
and i hope everyone can do that too.
then the world shall be a much better place to live in

COLOUR my world @ 3:45 PM