you shouldnt be here, if you need to know who i am d____
j_____
s_______
w_____


June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006

raur shit. i cant recover the post. i hope i wont miss out anything.



sometime back, i went and asked him if i was stopping or hindering him in any way, especially from seeing other girls. he scolded me for saying that, went on to explain some things [private] and i took his word for it. i never questioned.

now you came up to me, and the same thing is happening all over again.

and i cried, for a few reasons:

of course, i was sad you actually wanted me to let go. i have to admit that the thought of letting go has crossed my mind before, but i soon dismissed it. i said although i'm letting go, i'll still walk behind you, ready to catch you if you fell. but i have no confidence in myself. i dont know how long i can actually follow you; i'll soon get distracted by the things around me.

and if i didnt hold on, i will lose you before i know it.
i dont want to lose you.

i didnt know whether to feel loved or not. seriously, when i asked him that, it just occured to me that he should well deserve someone much better. and i just realised, it hurts when someone you love is sacrificing himself/herself just for your happiness. i never thought i could have hurt him by saying that.

i know if i let go, you'll hurt, as much as you say it wont.
because if he did, i would have dropped.
i just wanted the best for him, because he deserved the best, and i wasnt among them.

he asked me recently, what would become of me if he had let go.
i had no idea what to reply. i broke down, and he told me, next time, love yourself a little more.



i cried because i loved you so.
i cried because i loved him too.
because i wouldnt know what will happen to both of us if i let go.
because i had once been so close to losing him.
and now i have come this close to losing you.


hugging barry to sleep worked. we both have something in common, like you said.
we dont want to let go of the things we have, and we hold on to them dearly.

i'll hold on forever if i have to.
i dont want to see you fall.

COLOUR my world @ 7:49 PM

why is all the friendship shit coming back?

cant things be like last time?

ive always thought friendships were simple.

all i wanted to do was to love her, the way she loved me.

i guess im incapable of that. all i managed was to bring her more sorrows.



i seriously cant believe it.

God help me

COLOUR my world @ 4:50 PM

And once again you disappoint me.




And you caught me off guard. It was so unexpected.

COLOUR my world @ 10:07 PM

love and be loved

now all i want is for you to know that i have faith that one day you will find meaning in life and experience true love.

because its only right for me to pass on the love people have showered on me with to the people around me.

i just want you to be happy, not emotionless. i rather you be sad than be emotionless; the feeling of sadness i can take away easily. but to bring feelings to and emotionless someone, its gonna be tough

be strong, be brave, and i'll bring you out of that oppression. (:

COLOUR my world @ 8:35 PM

now matt is my new sunday school teacher. i hope i can use this chance to draw closer to God. and all other people in church.

i cant believe how quickly i stray from my christian life. seriously, the connect camp just ended like a month ago, and that time i was still happily sharing about how wonderful it is, and now, just one month later, everything is back to square one, or even worse.

i think im even bringing ***** away from God, making him less unGodly. somehow i always end up doing the wrong things and leading people astray. because thats probably the only thing im good in.

COLOUR my world @ 10:04 PM

sometimes when you use a word or term of endearment too many times, it just loses its meaning.

thats why i only call you bestie when the times are appropriate. if i use it excessively, we might just not take it seriously.

or you might think im just using that word to get you to do something for me. because you'll just think that you have to do it for me, simply because you are my best friend.

i dont want that to happen. i want you to know that i truly treasure you as my friend. even if im not your bestie.

no matter what happens, you'll still be my bestest bestie ever. ive found you and im never letting you go (: -huggg-

COLOUR my world @ 2:05 PM

2 years back, there was team selections. 7 of us were trying out for 5 places in the team. 5 of them were a year older than me, and the other wasnt quite as good because of a past injury.

and there was me. struggling to make it into the team. out of the 5 seniors, 4 were definitely in, while the other was around my standard. coach was already telling me, he would give priority to her, because its her last year. i was disappointed, but i had no choice. he's my coach, he has to make difficult choices too, and i dont want to make things difficult for him.

they won first, she got her trophy and the title, while i got nothing. no doubt, i was jealous. but this didnt affect our friendship and relationship whatsoever. i respected coach's decision to put her into the team.

then this year, they increased the competitors per team from 5 to 6. once again i was frustrated as i thought about last year. it didnt make sense that everything is just against me. ive got no leadership positions nor awards or whatever. why was i such a loser?

this year there were around 10 people fighting for 6 places. out of these 10, 7 had great potential. the standards were rather close. again, coach had to make a very hard decision. it was then decided that i would kick out my close friend and junior. she was sad of course, and so was i. neither of us wanted to kick each other out, but we both wanted to compete. it was hard, for both of us, and the rest of the team too.

sometimes, even if someone appears not to bother, she still does. she was rather affected by that, and it saddened me. but i could not let this put me down. i have a responsibilty of doing my best in the competition and not let my team mates down. i cried with her. we hugged and cried together. because i felt so bad. and i know she did too.

we didnt get first, and of course i was sad. thinking about how i could have done last year made the situation even worse. but there's really nothing i can do about it

this is what a true sportsman has to go through. rejection. even when the world turns against you, it cant make you quit. you set your heart down to it, you go out there, do your thing and shine. you think for the team, not just your friends or yourself. you have to learn how to accept rejection, and reject others. of course, its impossible not to be affected at all, but you simply have to learn to accept things for what it is. its for the team's sake.

which is the reason why i will despise them when she really does that. i dont want to despise the 2 of you.

please, im begging you, dont make me

COLOUR my world @ 9:25 PM